Sunfire
by Windsong
Summary: Set after episode 44. Roy begins to come out of his shell and think about his relationships, past, present, and—future?  Shounen ai, RoyxEd.


Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, and I'm not making any money (although I am making a lot of shame -.-), so don't even bother thinking about suing unless you want a big bag of shame sitting on your doorstep. Spoilers are in here for episode 25+, so...yeah.

This takes place in Rizembool, after episode 44 (the accursed episode that forced me to write this); I haven't seen past that, but I'm assuming that once Roy and his minions (;;) catch up with Edward and Al they decide to stay in Rizembool for a little while.

Enjoy?

* * *

Sunfire  
_By Windsong_  
**Written 2 November 2004, edited 13 May 2007**

Right then, watching the boy standing on that rocky riverbank, trapped in-between the advancing military and Armstrong's wall, he had wanted so badly to touch him. When the boy's gaze met his, it mingled desperate defiance and the faintest hints of fear. Roy's sharp eyes had seen his legs trembling ever so slightly, the wild rush of adrenaline giving way to the soft, paralyzing grip of exhaustion, and he wanted to go to that trapped child with such defeat in his eyes and hold him, support him, feel the softness of his hair falling like frozen sunlight through his hands.

But he couldn't. His subordinates wouldn't understand the gesture, and the boy would understand even less. He knew Edward. Roy would move towards him with a determination in his step and a look of hard focus in his eyes, and Edward would think Roy was attacking, and retaliate in a rush of blue lightning and magic—or worse, he wouldn't fight at all; he'd shy backwards, pressing his back against the rough rock wall that Armstrong had created, the courage in his eyes rapidly losing to all-out terror. And he couldn't handle that. He couldn't bear the thought of Edward ever being afraid of him.

But why not? The Flame Colonel had certainly done enough in his illustrious military career to justify fear.

His boots hit the top of the desk with a soft thud as he leaned back, looking out of the window at the cloudy, grey sky above. For the past several weeks, there had been nothing but a long string of cloudy, almost-raining days, and today was the culmination of it; rain had been pouring from the heavens since early this morning. Rain was one of his greatest enemies, but on the whole a lack of sunlight irritated him; not only because it diminished his usefulness, but...other things, too. It had been raining when he received the order to kill the Rockbells, for example. It had been raining the day that Hughes had been put into the earth...

Roy shook his head, focusing on the bright spot hat was the telltale sign of the sun behind a cloud, hoping that the sunlight could burn the memories from his mind. Either way, it seemed like every time something bad happened, the sky made sure to be pouring, so that his feeling of helplessness was utterly complete.

Eventually, his eyes began to throb from the sunlight—even veiled as it was, the sun was too strong for him to look at—and he closed his eyes. _I wonder if Winry has told him yet? About her parents..._

And whether Edward had begun to fear him yet.

Perhaps that's why he fell in love with the people he did. Hughes had known Roy too well and for far too long to even think of fearing him. Whenever Hughes had met his eyes, Roy had seen affection and open amicability. Hughes knew all of Roy's dark spots, all his regrets and secret night terrors, and because Hughes knew that Roy was only human, he had never treated him with anything less than love.

Edward was simply too young to know any better—at least, that was Roy's reasoning. Too young, and too innocent. In the course of their relationship, Edward had looked at Roy with flustered rage, confusion, rebellion, and sometimes uncertainty or shock—but never had he shown any more than a faint trace of fear. He never really realized what Roy had done, or how powerful he was, and nobody told him—since everybody assumed that everyone else knew.

There _were_ times when Edward realized there was more to Roy than there seemed—times he realized that the "dog of a military" front was nothing more than a role he played out of convenience. Times like when Roy and Edward had battled to maintain their State Alchemist rank, or that time there, by the river near Rizembool. Times when Roy felt a cruel, bitter smile make its way across his face as Edward saw more than he was supposed to see.

But oh, how he longed to confide in the boy. To taint that innocence...

_Why am I thinking about this now?_ He had caught himself drifting into thoughts of the young alchemist more and more often lately. He was more or less used to the occasional musing, but it had been occuring far more often than normal. What really disturbed him was the fact that such thoughts_didn't_ disturb him. He was no longer so adverse to thoughts of the boy flitting across his brain at odd times, like a sunshine-yellow butterfly keeping him company and chasing away his own darkness.

Except that wasn't going to happen; Edward was simply too innocent and Roy couldn't bring himself to burn that innocence away.

Feeling someone's gaze upon him, he flicked his eyes down and away from the depressing sky to catch a flash of brown eyes. Riza matched Roy look for look, her usual cool mask intermingled with a gentle concern that only Roy and Black Hayate ever saw. A mental sardonic smirk crept its way through his brain as he brought his gaze back to the sky. _And, of course, there's Riza. How could I forget her?_

Riza, whom had stayed by his side faithfully, almost fanatically, year after year. Riza, who decided that if she couldn't have him all to herself, she would be contented with what bits and pieces she _could_ get. _How ironic. I lose one relationship only to find it again—with the positions flipped._ For his relationship with Riza reminded him of nothing more than his relationship with Maes, except that Riza was the one who loved him with all her heart, and he was the one who looked upon Riza with nothing stronger than great affection.

- - - - -

Lying by her side that night, watching her deep, even breaths slowly lower and raise the sheet that covered her body, he couldn't stop himself from thinking quiet thoughts of golden sunshine, tied into a loose braid that dripped down a surprisingly graceful back. He felt vaguely dirty—mentally cheating on Riza, even if he wasn't physically doing anything.

"You're thinking of him, aren't you."

Riza's soft voice was filled with a tender sorrow that made Roy realize how cruel he was being, how ruthlessly he was using her—and worse, how she had realized it before he had, and how she had accepted it.

Her voice, while still gentle, took on a more businesslike tone. "It's obvious...maybe not to the others, but to anybody that knows you well, it's clear. You let your eyes rest on him for too long, you care too hard and worry too much...you've always been like that."

Roy was glad her back was turned to him. He didn't think he would have been able to survive the look that must have been in Riza's eyes.

The sheet made an odd jumping motion as she released a soft sigh. "Roy...you're only fooling yourself."

He finally gathered himself enough to reply. "I know," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper, before he coughed and tried again. "I am not. I know full well."

"If that's the case, why don't you just tell him?"

"Riza, it isn't that easy! I can't just go up to him and tell him I l—" he choked on the word, and the sheets rustled as Riza turned to face him, her brown eyes flaring with temper.

"And so you'll leave things as they are and let this strangle you? Is that better? And when something happens to him, will you be okay with knowing that he'll never know? Just like Hughes?" Her voice was sharp, sinking into his mind and drawing forth his long-hidden pain, and he recoiled.

Suddenly, her anger was gone and her sorrow returned. She tried to reach for him. "Roy...I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

He remained just barely out of her grasp. "How did you—"

Riza's hand fell to the mattress as she met his eyes somberly. "You always were too easy to read. Every time you looked at Hughes and thought that nobody was watching, the look in your eyes was so..." she made a vaguely helpless gesture.

After a long pause, he looked at her again. "You mean you're okay with—that?"

"With what? The fact that you've never been in love with me?" Riza's wistful smile was beautiful in its sadness. "If I wasn't okay with that, I would have never approached you in the first place." She turned away from him, lying flat on her back to stare at the ceiling, her last words a soft whisper. "...I only want you to be happy. If you are happy, then I am happy. If you are safe and I can protect you, then my life is worth living. That is all."

- - - - -

Yesterday's rain had caused the clouds to mostly disappear, letting the sun shine fitfully through the dispersing clouds. While this would usually have brightened Roy's mood, today he was too preoccupied to really notice.

He saw the boy sitting by himself down by the river that ran near Rizembool. According to Winry (who didn't look at him anymore, and when forced to speak around him used a flat, grudging tone of voice), Edward and Alphonse sat there when they were upset. He smirked—to think that he had managed to make Edward upset enough to take up his old habits was amusing, and oddly touching.

He heard an echo of Riza in his brain: _"You always were too easy to read."_

"If I'm that easy," he muttered, "Why doesn't he read it for himself?" He knew the answer; children as naïve as Edward never saw things like that on their own.

Roy's eyes hardened, coming to a sudden decision, and he strode over to where Edward sat on the sandy riverbank with his knees tucked up to his chest. He stopped just behind the boy, casting a shadow over him. Edward looked up, surprised to see Roy standing there; he'd gone out of his way to avoid the Flame Alchemist for the past few days.

Roy sat down next to the boy before he could properly react, one knee up and one leg on the floor, arm resting on his knee and the other propping him upright. Roy looked away from Edward, watching instead the liquid beauty of the river in front of him. He could feel the boy's wariness and confusion, but kept his peace.

After an extended period of silence through which Edward tried not to squirm, "I can see why you like this place," Roy said. "It's rather calming." Roy disliked rivers as a general rule, but he supposed this one wasn't so bad.

"...Yes," Edward said, narrowing his eyes as he watched the man beside him. "I used to come here when I wanted to think."

"Do you mind my being here?" Roy asked. "Am I disturbing you?"

Roy could hear the boy holding back a "yes," instead favoring the polite answer. "No...I guess."

"Mm." A long, awkward silence followed; Roy looked at the river and watched Ed sneak him nervous glances out of the corner of his eye, and Edward looked at the river and tried to surreptitiously sneak Roy looks. Edward was obviously dying of curiosity, something which amused Roy intensely and helped him ignore his own rising nervousness.

Finally, Roy shifted his weight, causing Edward to jump. "Something wrong?" Roy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"...What do you want?" Edward finally burst out.

"Nothing really," Roy said, smirking as the boy looked away, frustrated. Letting the boy continue to simmer for a few minutes, he finally said, "I'm curious. Do you like Winry?" His smirk widened into a mischevious smile when the boy started and looked away, almost blushing but not quite getting there.

"I don't," Edward replied sullenly. "I mean, I do, but not like _that!_"

Roy leaned further back. "You should tell her that, then," he commented. Edward had won the war against his blush and, so saved from embarassment, continued to look at Roy suspiciously. "Hmm?" the Flame Alchemist asked.

"You don't..._like_ Winry or something, do you?" Edward asked incredulously, causing Roy himself to splutter, and then break out into a laugh. Suddenly he reached out and ruffled the boy's hair, startling both Edward and himself. Indignant, Edward grabbed the offending hand and pulled it off of his head—before stopping halfway through flinging Roy's hand away, startled by the look he saw in the older man's eyes.

Roy quickly broke the eye contact, pulling his hand out of Ed's unnerved fingers. "...I think I have to go do something." Quickly getting to his feet and brushing himself off, he turned to leave, before Edward's voice stopped him.

"...You didn't have something to...tell me, did you?" Edward's voice was tinged with uncertainty, but there was no fear in it. Roy straightened.

"Maybe I'll tell you when you're older," Roy finally managed, trying to sound at ease and failing.

"I'm not a kid!" Edward protested. The boy looked like he realized something had just gone over his head and he couldn't figure out what it was.

"I know," Roy said softly, making Edward look up in surprise; then, louder, "Lunch's in half an hour." Roy's smirk was back on his face, and he gave the boy a wink. "I'll see you then, shorty."

Ed quickly forgot all about his past confusion, leaping to his feet as he puffed up with rage. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN ANT THAT'S SO--" he began to holler; but by this time, Roy was quickly retreating out of hearing range, laughing silently to himself.

The feeling of amusement passed, to be replaced by strong uncertainty. Sighing, Roy looked up at the brightening sky. He craved the feeling of strong sunlight on his face, but he supposed he would live without it for now; after all, the weather could only laugh at him for so long. "A little bit longer," Roy whispered to himself.

Caught up in his own thoughts, he didn't notice when he passed Riza. Reaching out to grab him and tell him something, she stopped halfway upon seeing the look on Roy's face, rendered speechless as he breezed by her with hardly a glance. Drawing her hand back to her chest, she looked down, smiling and trying not to cry.

"Maes, are you watching?" she whispered.

* * *

I can't believe I wrote this. I cannot believe I wrote this...-angsting ensues- I actually don't like this pairing, but my brain wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote this out, so...-sob-. I thought I had put my shameful fluff-writing days behind me! I even (unintentionally, I swear) put in, like, the worst pun ever. Ugh. 

I left it open-ended because, honestly, I don't think Ed is mature enough at this point in the storyline to be able to understand or respond in any kind of coherent fashion to Roy being like "Oh hey I love you." Also, in my interpretation Roy is a very reticent kind of person, and he wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of just going up to Ed and being like "HEY YOU;" it would leave him far too vulnerable, and he can't stand getting hurt any more than he has to in the first place. Moreover, what would Roy do if Ed said yes _or_ no? Neither way could really end well; not at this point in Ed's life, anyway. He's too young for their relationship to be at all socially acceptable, and Roy would understand that.

Maybe I'll write a sequel to this fic, but don't hold your breath. Either way, I think this conversation would start a lot of unanswered questions in Ed's head...forcing him to start thinking about Roy a lot more.

Anyways. If you think the characters are kind of screwy and OOC, I don't disagree with you. I've never written these characters before. If you feel like complaining, well, -points at the review button!- That's what constructive criticism is for. Of course, general commentary is nice too. O.o

I'm just glad it's out of my system. Oy.

-Windsong - wind song 137 at gmail dot com


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